Type Resources: Introverted Feeling in the 1st position (hero) and Extraverted Feeling in the 5th position (opposing personality)

Because my type code is INFP, Introverted Feeling (Fi) is in the hero (or 1st/dominant) position for me and Extraverted Feeling (Fe) is in the opposing personality (or 5th) position for me. Introverted Feeling is such an important part of who I am that to deny it or lose control of it is to deny or lose control of myself and my entire being. I am so aware of how each decision makes (or will make) me feel internally that I am constantly ensuring that I have a harmonious, 'good' feeling inside. I am even able to locate exactly where the feeling resides in me (in my 'gut') and I often find myself placing my hand over my gut when my Introverted Feeling is not being supported or is threatened. Extraverted Feeling, however, is much different for me. When I use it, it feels awkward and fake. When someone asks me a question about myself or my life and the 'appropriate' thing to do is to ask them the same once I have finished, I am very resistant. While I am very interested in the person and what they have to say, it feels as though it is obvious that I am only asking because that is what I am supposed to do, and it feels fake to me. Because Introverted Feeling is my hero, being fake is something that I constantly try to avoid, for I always want to be genuine. Furthermore, because Extraverted Feeling feels fake when I use it, I assume that others who are using it are also being fake. Learning about type has taught me that this is my own projection onto others and that people can genuinely care about and be concerned for others (Extraverted Feeling) and that it is important that I constantly remind myself of this.

It is difficult for me to find ways to increase my use of Extraverted Feeling. When I try, I find that I have to consciously say no to my Introverted Feeling needs and work hard to 'embrace' Extraverted Feeling. Because I naturally tend to (literally) push Extraverted Feeling away, it is helpful to make myself aware of this tendency and to instead lean in toward Extraverted Feeling. Thus, if someone is approaching me to hug me or if someone is talking to me using Extraverted Feeling (or my use of Extraverted Feeling is needed), I need to remind myself to lean in and let myself be a part of the physical aspect of Extraverted Feeling. The personal space issue that surrounds Introverted Feeling needs to be shrunk to let Extraverted Feeling be truly at play. Another of my natural tendencies is to initially resist Extraverted Feeling and 'make time' for it later. However, this will not help me develop true Extraverted Feeling, for it is a very spontaneous function. Thus, when I see myself putting Extraverted Feeling activities aside for later, I try to tell myself to stop now and spontaneously attune myself to the needs of others - because that is what Extraverted Feeling truly is - recognizing what others need now (not later when I might feel comfortable with it or have time for it).

Those who have Extraverted Feeling as a 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th function probably have a much more positive association with it. I would love to hear advice from them or from anyone who has developed their Extraverted Feeling (no matter where it lies in their dynamic type pattern) on how I can better develop it.

Amy,

The INFP/ENFJ combination seems on the surface like it would be so easy and harmonious. (I just noticed that "harm" is the first part of harmonious! We share the same Temperament pattern and therefore the same core needs of meaning and significance and unique identity. Relationships and harmony are important to us. We rely on our intuition, not facts, and are future oriented.

Yet we are Opposing Personalities according to Dr. John Beebe's model. And that model seems to be true in my experience despite our similarities.

The type dynamics model and the heirarchy of functions says that your first four functions are in the same order but are in my last four (shadow) functions and vice versa. What I've rejected in myself are exactly what you've embraced in yourself. And again, vice versa.

I have such an appreciation and admiration for INFPs yet find relating to them very frustrating at times. I know (Ni again) that each has a marvelous reservoir of magical thinking and poetics that is seldom shared. At least that's my experience. I DO want to understand what's important to them. That's a large part of Extraverted Feeling (Fe). I do ask questions that may seem invasive or too soon or fake, but from a very genuine curiousity and caring. I've learned to temper that tendency to "intrude" thanks to Type awareness. I'm frustrated, for instance, that it is the 3rd to 5th day in a lengthy group setting that I will have some small conversation with an INFP. I know I'm missing out on getting to knowing someone special.

I have to work to use Introverted Feeling (Fi). It is a conscious choice. But as I get older I find I am looking at what's important to me. I have said no to some requests and made choices about what's important to me, worried that I've alienated someone. I've been surprised that there is no backlash or strong reaction. I'm finding it's okay to say no. Very liberating. It helps that my husband uses Fi to make decisions and supports/encourages me to do so.

Here's an example of when it Fi-Fe interaction doesn't work. I'll ask if he wants to do "x" (Fe). He answers no. I asked him and he told me the truth. However, I really want to do "x" but I don't say so. It seems rude that he doesn't ask if I want to. If I said instead, "I want to do 'X', he'd be likely to say okay. He figures I really mean it when I ask if he wants to. I really mean 'I want to'. That's the downside of Fe.

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Meg,

That's so interesting when you explain how you communicate in Extraverted Feeling (Fe) language. Thus, you ask if someone wants to do something (Fe) and it can be very frustrating when you are told no and you don't get to do it! Because my type is INFP, I tend to communicate in Ne language. Thus, instead of asking if someone wants to do "x" like you do, I say, "I was thinking maybe we could do "x"." When I'm told no, it is upsetting to me, as well. You said it was frustrating when you don't receive an Fe response back. Similarly, it is upsetting when I at least don't receive an, "Or maybe we could do "y" ," or "maybe we could do "y" today and "x" tomorrow or how about..." I want and expect Ne language back. And I'm also not acknowledging to others what I want to do (possibly because Fi is an introverted function and it doesn't naturally get communicated??). Because I'm offering it as a suggestion, as a maybe, it's taken as just that. Similarly, because your question is seen as trying to see if the other person wants to do something, they are responding with whether or not they want to. It is so great that we understand type enough to be able to understand this, or it could cause a lot of arguments and anger. Actually saying, "I really want to do this today. And I want you to go with me," is not easy for me, and it looks like it isn't easy for you. I'm wondering if it is easy for anyone. ??

On another note, the more I learn about Extraverted Feeling in the hero position, the more respect I have for it. Talking with an ENFJ recently, I realized that an assumption of mine was wrong. While Fe may feel natural for her, that doesn't mean it's always easy. She talked about how some Fe things she did weren't easy, but she knew she had to do them. The fact that she did them even though they weren't easy for her just to help others was so admirable to me. I realized that just like sometimes honoring my values is tough (such as when I'm around others and it's not the 'cool' thing to do), sometimes doing Fe activities for ENFJs and ESFJs is tough, too. My respect just soared for this ENFJ and all who have Fe as a dominant or auxiliary. How easy it is to assume things about others and how little time is required to dispel those myths! Just a little communication does wonders. It makes sense to me now..of course it isn't always easy to do Fe things even if it's her hero...it's not always easy for my ESTP husband to go to the gym, but he does it on those nights he's so tired. While I could see it in myself and in other types, for some reason it was hard for me to see it in the ENFJ - probably because it's my opposing personality, as you pointed out. But now that I do see it and do understand it, I have so much more respect for them and have dialed my own pride down some.

Although it must be challenging at times, you are so lucky to have your opposing personality as your spouse! You can encourage and support one another as you try to develop what isn't as natural. What a great opportunity.

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